5 Reasons why Marriage Doesn’t Work- Here is why I’m calling Bullshit
Recently I read an article by relationship columnist Anthony D’Ambrosio titled “5 Reasons why Marriage Doesn’t Work”, and I felt compelled to respond. Not only was the article ridiculous but I hardly believe he is an expert on marriage. I thoroughly read through each “reason” on why marriage doesn’t work, and I’m here to tell you that each and every one of those reasons is nothing more than excuses. So, I’m Calling Bullshit!
My husband and I both come from broken marriages, and many of our grandparents also have gotten divorced. Here is the deal, just because our parents and grandparents got divorced, it sure as hell doesn’t say that we will. This columnist pretty much says that everyone should stay married, because his parents and grandparents did. He set himself for failure before he even got married because he just assumed that once he got married, he was going to be married forever. News flash, you still have to make a conscience effort to date your wife/husband. Just because you’re married, it doesn’t mean that everything has to change and that you don’t have to continually date your spouse. Sounds like this columnist failed to recognize this part. Now, I don’t know the exact reason why he is now divorced (I believe the article said he got married in 2012), nor will I speculate, but it’s apparent that he is quit salty about getting divorced. I’m here to tell you that Marriage DOES work.
The very first thing that struck me as arrogant is when he states that “marriages today just don’t work”. Says who?! Says you, the columnist who is divorced? Your opinion and personal experience hardly constitute the right to make such a bold statement. He goes on to say that things pretty much changed because of technology and lack of communication. Many of the reasons involve communication issues, which could have been resolved through sitting down and wait for it…talking..FACE to FACE!
I’m also not trying to say that I’m an expert in the field of marriage, but the experiences I have had through marriage and seeing those around me go through divorce gives me great insight on the topic. I’ve been married 4 years, together with my spouse 7 and we have a 13 month old son. We work opposite shifts and barely see each other. And guess what?! We’re still married and in love. In my honest opinion, it appears that that columnist was looking for excuses why his own marriage didn’t work and then generalized it towards society as a “norm”.
I will not go through each ‘reason’ why he says marriage doesn’t work:
- Reason #1: Sex becomes almost non-existent
- It sure does if you stop initiating it. Sex takes two people, so one cannot be the only one initiating it. Furthermore, sex frequency before marriage is a great indicator of how your sex life will be once you get married. If you’re not having frequent sex before marriage, what in the hell did you expect is going to happen after marriage? Sex does connect two people, but without both sides initiating and working together to make time for alone time, then yes..sex will become nonexistent. Don’t stop trying. Sure, kids can make things complicated to have alone time, but that’s just an excuse. Most adults have locks on their bedroom doors, so lock it. When the kids are in bed, get busy with the alone time. Plan a date night once a week. Send the kids to grandma and grandpas for a day during the weekend. Never stop trying to date your spouse. Sex will become non-existent once you stop trying. Something else that the columnist touches on is that there are pictures of half-naked people everywhere we look. True, but why would that affect your marriage? He basically says that one has to be perfect to be desirable. That’s total bullshit. It honestly sounds to be like another excuse as to why marriages don’t work. Not fact.
- Reason #2: Finances Cripple Us
- First and foremost, finances only cripple you if you allow it too. Once you get married, most people choose to combine their finances and thus their bills and debt. One thing I can suggest to anyone planning on getting married is to discuss what debt you’re bringing to the marriage whether it’s credit card debt or student loan debt. Being honest and forthright will better prepare you on how to handle and pay off the debt..as a team. Discussing debt and finances before marriage can help better prepare you for what to expect without surprises. The columnist says that this “strain causes separation between us. It’s halts us from being able to live life. We’re too busy paying bills to enjoy our youth. Forget going to dinner, you have to pay the mortgage. You’ll have to skip out on an anniversary gift this year because those student loans are due at the end of the month” (D’Ambrosio, The Ashbury Park (N.J. Press, 2015, April, 8). There are so many things I can throw at this statement that would shatter it. Planning is everything. Planning out a realistic budget every month can help prevent one from not being able to grab dinner and a movie or buy that anniversary gift. This statement pretty much screams: POOR PLANNING on his/their part. Again, discussing finances and debt before marriage can help better prepare for the future. Again, this is an excuse not a substantiated reason why marriage doesn’t work.
- Reason #3: We’re more connected than ever before, but completely disconnected at the same time
- One of the first things that stood out to me in this section was when he says “There is no physical connection attached to anything anymore”. All I have to say is, who is to blame for this? This is clearly our own fault if we resort to that way of “connecting” with our spouse. WE decide if we say “I love you” via text or in person. It’s a conscience effort to connect with your spouse. If you need new furniture, collaborate on it. Go to different furniture stores together. If a husband wants to give flowers to his wife, why not pick them up and drop them off. It’s much more meaningful and personal that way versus having some stranger come to your work to drop them off. The less technology you use to connect, the better. He mentions that we have “forgotten how to communicate in a marriage.” Not everyone has forgotten. Take the time to connect by spending time together. As previously mentioned, this is an excuse for marriage not working these days, not part of the reason marriage fails.
- Reason #4: Our desire for a attention outweighs our desire to be Loved
- This reason is a bit far-fetched. The columnist claims that one spouse (or possibly both) is more worried about what others think of them instead of their spouse. They may seek this attention by posting pictures on Instagram or Facebook where they are hoping to get one or two people to either comment or like the photo. He also goes on to say that spouses tend to compare themselves to other alike individuals and thus cannot be loved since they are preoccupied worrying about what others think about them. Come on. This is obviously an excuse because I see no truth in this. This may have come from personal experiences, but I would bet that most spouses want to get the attention from their spouse (rather than “followers” on social media platforms) so the only logical reason why they are ‘seeking attention’ is because their needs aren’t being met at home. This is a red flag to focus on your spouse because they are lacking something.
- Reason #5: Social media just invited a few thousand of people into bed with you
- The columnist has a point (to an extent) with this ‘reason’ because I do agree that everything is on the web including where we are and what we are doing. Most things are not sacred anymore, and I’m guilty of posting a status while on vacation. We all do it, but it’s all about moderation and timing. Know when to put the phone down. Your work schedule doesn’t need to be on Facebook. First, those who care about you will most likely know your work schedule and secondly this can be dangerous and can attract the wrong people. I would also agree that strangers, to an extent, know a lot about our lives because of social media BUT again it comes down to moderation and timing. Unplug as often as possible. When you do this, I think you will be surprised how much more time you have with your spouse.
In my unprofessional opinion, the reason this columnist wrote this article is because his marriage failed, and I believe he is a bit salty about it. He expressed how his grandparents and great grandparents and his parents were still married. He says that he is worried about the roadblocks that may get in the way of ones’ happy life with someone else, but I believe that our marriages fail because we forget to continue dating our spouse. There will always be outside sources that threaten our marriages but we should use those threats as motivation to push on. Marriage is sacred and life-changing, and it’s our responsibility to continually work at.
Marriage works. Marriage isn’t easy, and some days marriage can be hard but at the end of the day if you’re both trying to make it work..more times than not, it’ll work. Please don’t confuse my candor opinion of marriage and how it works as saying that every single marriage will last forever. I’m realistic. I know that there are going to be some marriages that just don’t last, and I’ve accepted that. It’s important for us all to understand that just because we know some people who are divorced or specifically those who come from divorced families, we shouldn’t assume ours will not work. It’ll work if you work on it and the relationship.
In closing, I hope this columnist finds peace and true love. I couldn’t imagine experiencing divorce from the one I loved. He is brave to speak of it and some of his ‘reasons’ I’m sure are based on lessons he learned from getting and being married through his divorce not extensive unbiased research.
SOURCE to Original Article:http://www.freep.com/story/life/advice/2015/04/07/marriage-doesnt-work/25405611/