10 Arguments You Will Never Win with a 5 Year Old

Five year old’s start to become independent little people capable of conquering the world, except not really. They claim that they can dress themselves, which we all know only means that they’re going to show up at school looking like they just left the circus. They claim that they can wipe their little booty after going numero dos, but we all know there will be streaks in their underwear later that we pray to the washing machine God’s will come out with bleach. Their language is evolving as if they are teenagers and their reasoning is starting to make sense from time to time to our utter shock.

A five year old can engage in actual conversations, though they may not make sense at times and when they’re telling a story it likely takes 34 years to complete, but at least the conversation is not a one sided conversation. Five year olds also believe that whatever they say is true,  because “they just know.” Most of the times, this attitude leads to arguments, and although my child usually ends up doing what I had asked them to do, there are days I feel like I didn’t even win the argument because of the yelling, the tears and inconsolable sobs coming as a result of said argument. It’s almost as if their entire world is crashing down on them, but they were simply asked to put on their socks.

Here are 10 arguments you will never win with a 5 year old.

Why their socks aren’t tall enough.

My five year old pulls his socks up as far as he can, and heaven-forbid if they don’t at least touch the bottom of his knee, he complains that his socks are “broken.” He could be wearing ankle socks, and he will sit there crying trying to pull them up to his knees. I’m constantly having to remind him that the only socks that truly go up to his knee are soccer socks. He then always proceeds to ask me to buy a million pairs for him because all of his other socks are broken.

Why their pants are too big.

Every single pair of my child’s pants are “too big” which is clearly not true. He hates wearing pants, and he prefers to run around in his underwear even when there’s a blizzard outside. His argument? His pants are too big even if they are the perfect fit.

Why it’s not too cold for shorts.

It could be pouring rain, or we could be buried in feet of snow and my son still wants to wear shorts. He argues with me every morning because I will not let him wear shorts. His argument? “It’s not even cold outside!”

Why they don’t like certain foods.

My son refuses to eat anything other than chicken nuggets, hot dogs, mac and cheese, fish sticks , corn dogs and pb&j sandwiches. He’ll eat yogurt and fruit along with occasional starchy foods, but if I ask him to eat a vegetable, he loses his gosh darn mind. Here’s the deal! He eats vegetables at school with his friends. His argument? School vegetables are better than home vegetables? Ok, kid.

Why everything is not a weapon.

Anyone been slapped with a pasta noodle? That shit hurts. I can’t even begin to tell you the mass variety of things my son has figured out how to use as a weapon. Like, I could strip my house down to the bare bones, and he’d still find something to use as a weapon. His argument? He didn’t know it’d hurt if you got hit with it.

Why fingers are not silverware.

It never fails. I could give my kid the blue spoon like he asked, yet I will look at him piling food into his mouth without it. An example I see used for this is bacon verses breakfast sausage. Do you know confusing it is to try and explain to a child why it’s ok to eat bacon with your hands but sausage with a fork? His argument? He can eat more food, faster with his fingers.

Why they should sleep past 6 am on the weekends.

You would think every morning is like Christmas morning how early my five year old wakes up. It’s literally crazy. He cannot get out of bed fast enough to start being crazy. If I could somehow convince him to sleep past the butt-crack of dawn, that’d be great. His argument? He has so much to do.

Why they have to shower and bathe.

My five year old still doesn’t fully understand the importance of being clean. He thinks that smelling is a completely normal thing. If I mention a bath or shower, he will run away from me like I’m the plague. His argument? He took a shower two days ago and he doesn’t even stink.

Why hot cocoa is supposed to be hot.

I remember literally arguing with my son over the fact that hot chocolate is supposed to be hot, thus it being called hot chocolate. He would drink is cold if he could. Maybe this has to do partially with the fact that when he tried hot cocoa for the first time, it was a tad bit hot?? His argument? Hot cocoa can be cold, then it can be a summer drink too.

Why he can’t  leave his Legos all over the floor or any other toys for that matter.

It never fails. My son steps on a Lego, and his pain is instantly my fault because I clearly placed the Lego in the path of his foot. (Insert eye roll). I argue with my son about cleaning up his toys, because I’m constantly tripping over and stepping on his dang toys! I won’t lie, but when he steps on a toy or trips over it AFTER I asked him like a million times to pick them up, I smile only after making sure he’d ok. His argument? I forgot!

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Arguments with five year olds are not something I tend to win.  I cannot get my son to clean up his toys, eat a dang vegetable or shower without argument, so I never really win even though he ends up doing what I asked him to do eventually. Even though we’re the adults and we are in charge, it still takes  a lot to influence, bribing, and sometimes forcing them, into doing what we asked them to do. Most days I feel beat down. I feel like I’m the worst mother in the world, but I pray that everyone understands it’s NORMAL to experience these arguments or similar ones.

All I have to say is that I deserve, as well as other parents, a stiff drink and a medal at the end of the day. Am I right?