12 Unrealistic Expectations in Relationships
We all have these preconceived notions going into marriage. We expect that our relationship will always be fantastic and that we will forever be madly in love. We imagine that our sex life will continue to resemble something other than the horror stories we hear from our parents, and we never imagine that we will encounter anything hard enough to rock the very foundation with which our marriage was built to question the strength of our marriage. Basically, we imagine our marriage to be similar to that of a Walt Disney movie..or better, yet, imagine a Nicholas Sparks movie. Girl meets boy, they fall madly in love, then something happens-a HUGE plot twist that can rip them apart, but then somehow by a miracle they end up happily ever after.
But, that’s where we got it all wrong. We dove in feet first with these incredibly unrealistic, unhealthy and sometimes irreversible expectations of how we think our marriage should look and feel. We basically set ourselves up for failure before we have given ourselves a chance to fail ourselves. Personally, I learn by doing, so to go into a relationship with these preconceived notions can be detrimental to any relationship and prohibit a healthy, functional relationship.
And trust me, I know that we’d love to go into a relationship with expectations, but we’ve been taught all wrong. So, here are 12 unrealistic expectations you should be discussing with your significant other in order to have an exceptional relationship and one that welcomes open communication as well as realistic expectations for both parties.
It’s unrealistic to expect that you and your spouse won’t ever fight
My husband and I fight over what we’re having for dinner. We bicker about politics and parenting, cleaning and finances. Fighting within a relationship will happen, and it’s completely normal. The important part to understand that in order to have open communication and a relationship that welcomes honesty and trust, it’s imperative that both parties respect their significant other enough by fighting “nice” and being respecting viewpoints.
It’s unrealistic to expect that you and your significant other will have the same exact values
We hear motivational speakers, coaches and therapists encourage couples to have shared values in order to work together as a couple towards common goals. I think it’s ok to have some shared values as it pertains to finances, future goals, family, children, etc., but I do feel that it is very important to have individual values that are different than the shared values. You can have both, and that’s ok and actually very normal in most relationships.
It’s unrealistic to expect that your significant other will spend all their free time with you. Additionally, they will want time away from you
It’s 100% normal to want to take time apart from your significant other. It’s healthy and encourages additional trust and appreciation be built within the relationship. I’ve gone out for a night with girlfriends without him, and he goes out with his guys without me. We also go out together with our friends. I strongly feel that this space is healthy.
It’s unrealistic to expect your partner to look a certain way
I’ve accepted the fact that I will never look like Jennifer Anniston, nor will my husband ever look like The Rock. Over time, our bodies will change, yet there are times that we might expect our spouse to look a certain way. We cannot expect them to suddenly be ripped and chiseled if when you met them, they were the opposite of that entirely. Sure, conversations can be had, but to expect and stand firm with that seemingly selfish expectation is unfair and can cause issues within your relationship.
It’s unrealistic to expect that you and your significant other are going to have a fairy-tale relationship
Leave the fairy-tale happy ending to the film-makers and writers because these types of fairy-tale relationships simply don’t exist. There is no perfect relationship, and although there might be couples are argue this point, I find it crazy to believe. Don’t compare your relationship to Hollywood’s elite. Don’t compare your relationship to that of a friend or family member. Understand that some people are great actors.
It’s unrealistic to expect that your significant other will have sex whenever you want
Hello! Yes, I went there, because this is such an important piece of relationships to discuss for the simple reason that expecting sex to happen whenever you want it won’t happen. You can try to plan for it by scheduling it throughout the week, but even with a plan, it might not happen. You throw in some kids, you’re barely experiencing that spontaneous, passionate sex because you’re just trying to get done before kids start knocking on your door to show you their freshly picked booger. Also, it’s important to point out that this “sexless” or “hard to come by sex” period is a probably just a stage within your relationship.
It’s unrealistic to expecting your significant other to be available for you 100 % of the time
You and your significant other need a life outside of your relationship. You both need individual space. You and your significant other can both have friends that are friends of your own meaning that they aren’t shared friends. Lean on your friends for support as well.
It’s unrealistic to expect your significant other to fill every void in your life
This is similar to the one above, but I truly feel that you both need to have friends and resources outside your relationship. You can’t overwhelm your significant other by unloading on them time and time again, utilize your friends and family if need be. If you’re finding that you have no one else to rely on, make seek out a counselor. That way you have someone else to help fill that void.
It’s unrealistic to expecting your significant other to never be attracted to other people
This might be tough for some people to hear and accept, but we need to be honest with ourselves on this. I’m not the most gorgeous woman on this Earth, so I know (and fully expect) that my spouse will find other women attractive. Similarly, I find other men attractive. The important thing to remember is that unless someone acts on that attraction, the attraction itself is natural.
It’s unrealistic to expect your partner to never speak or have friends of the opposite sex
This one can be tricky. Boundaries have to be established by both parties in order to make this work. Oftentimes, there is jealously and fear created when a man becomes friends with a female and visa versa when you’re in a relationship. Trust must also be built and that can take time especially if the relationship is new. You also need to ask yourself whether or not you trust yourself enough to have friends of the opposite sex. Personally, I relate and get along better with men. This is probably due to the fact that I consider myself a tomboy who is obsessed with sports and can talk sports all day long, however; this caused issues between my significant other and I early on in our relationship. Open, clear and concise communication as well as establish boundaries and trust must be present in order to make this work, but again, it’s completely normal to have friends of the opposite sex.
It’s unrealistic to expect your significant other to always take your side
You and your significant other’s differences will be seen early on in your relationship and having differences are ok. But, do not expect your significant other to always side with you on things. Respect their opinions and differences. Furthermore, understand that there will be times that your significant other agrees with others over you. It could be friends or family and could be for a million different reasons, but you need to be ok with it because you’re both very different people.
It’s unrealistic to expecting your significant to know what you’re thinking all the time
Your significant other will always be a bit of a mystery to you. You won’t always know what they’re thinking. Not all of us have the luxury of being psychics or have the “gift” that Mel Gibson had in “What Women Want” where he can literally read women’s minds. I’m not sure I’d want a “gift” like that to be honest, but to combat the lack of knowing your spouse, it’s important to be really good at communicating. Be willing to have open, raw, and uncomfortable conversations because those are the conversations that forces us to dig deep and really learn about the other person. These are oftentimes to most enlightening and productive conversations.
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In the end, we all have to be ok with the realization that relationships are a two-way street. We also need to understand and accept that our significant other will not fit into this preconceived notion that we established due to unrealistic expectations. We are human. Mistakes will be made. Work hard and dig deep to discuss these expectations. Once you’ve done that, you’re able to establish realistic expectations.
