An Open Letter to My Son on Your First Birthday

Dearest Beckett,

You’re a year old today. A whole 365 days. I am trying to hold back tears as I think about how fast this past year has flown by. If I’m being completely honest, I kind of wished away the year because I have been anxiously awaiting your cochlear implant surgery so you can finally hear us! It’s been quite the roller-coaster to say the least. I reminisce over the past year and I see the highest of high and the lowest of lows. Becoming a mother, for the second time, has changed my heart in ways I never saw coming!

I had a gut feeling that you were a boy all along from the moment we found out we were pregnant. I remember finding out you were in fact a boy and how overjoyed I was. I was officially a #boymom! I knew your big brother was instantly excited to have a brother. He had already told us about how you’d two wrestle and play with his trucks and Ninja Turtles.

We didn’t get off to the best start. You didn’t seem to want to come, until you suddenly did, quickly! But, you spent 11 LONG days in NICU. For those days, they went by in a blur. You fought hard to get better, fighting and battling that pneumonia and infection daily. You fought from being on 90% oxygen to being completely off of it. I remember leaving the hospital in fear that you would get sick again. You had failed a hearing test, so we would come to learn that you were deaf, so there were a lot of added fears and unknowns associated with you while your brother came home healthy as can be.

The first few weeks and months flew by in a blur. I wish I could say that I enjoyed every minute, but I can’t. We had a lot of appointments that didn’t always end the way we had hoped. We spent a lot of time with doctors and specialists. We spent a lot of time in hospitals. There were a lot of tears and sleepless nights. We had no idea what the future looked like. What we did know is that you were deaf, and you’d undergo cochlear implant surgery, and we were excited for the day!

We made it to that point!!! You undergo cochlear implant surgery TOMORROW! I have so much anxiety surrounding your surgery, yet I am so excited for the moment your implants are activated and you’re able to hear us!

I’d love to say that you are an amazing sleeper, but Beck, you are a bit too attached to your momma and my bed. You have fought sleep for months now, and the only way for us to get a tiny bit of sleep is if you’re cuddled up between myself and dad. We’re praying you outgrow this quickly. We realize that when you wake up crying and panicky might be contributed to your inability to hear. I’ll admit, I love your cuddles and understand that one day you won’t want to cuddle with me.

We have made it a year of breastfeeding, and I’m so incredibly proud of that because I made it only 4 months with your brother. Not sure when this breastfeeding journey will end, but I have loved this special time together, except when you started biting!

You are so incredibly happy. Your personality is so big! You are so fearless, and you prove this by trying to climb the stairs or stand on top of toys to reach something out of reach. You do this thing when you’re done nursing or cuddling where you turn onto your belly and slowly slide out of the chair giggling with this hilarious smirk. It’s just the cutest thing. You love chasing us and playing hide and seek. You also love being chased, and man are you quick! You throwing skills are insane, and you throw a wicked right hook.

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I can promise you this, Beckett. I promise to treasure every moment, the good, the bad and the ugly and everything in between. I promise to live more in the moment then for the future. I promise to always be an advocate for you and to fight for the best resources and care imaginable for your hearing loss. I promise to always remind you how special you are. You will change the world, sweet boy. I promise to pray over you every day and love you unconditionally. You have taught me more in a year than I could have ever imagined.

We celebrated your birthday this past weekend, but you better believe there is more celebration to come and probably another cupcake or two today. Tomorrow, we start our next journey. You get your cochlear implant surgery. Next month those will be activated! I cannot wait for you to hear me for the first time!! I get teary eyed just thinking about that moment.

Sweet boy, I pray that you understand the choice we made for you to undergo surgery. I pray that you grow to appreciate the technology and the resources available to you.