Gaslighting In Relationships

Gaslighting has become a very common occurrence in the 21st century, unfortunately. It can occur in different types of relationships, including relationships with friends, co-workers or family members. Arguably, the most challenging relationship where gaslighting might occur is with romantic relationships. Gaslighting can be the end-all in romantic relationships.

What is Gaslighting?

According to Psychology Today,“Gaslighting is an insidious form of manipulation and psychological control. Victims of gaslighting are deliberately and systematically fed false information that leads them to question what they know to be true, often about themselves. They may end up doubting their  memory, their perception, and even their sanity. Over time, a gaslighter’s manipulations can grow more complex and potent, making it increasingly difficult for the victim to see the truth.”

There are several stages of gaslighting according to Psychology Today, and we’ll be highlighting each stage in more detail. 

Stage #1: Lying & Exaggeration

If you’re being gaslighted by significant other, he’ll more than likely create an unrealistic and untruthful narrative about you based on false presumptions. They might even go as far as saying that there’s something wrong with you, maybe even saying that you’re not good enough. Despite upsetting you, they’ll continue with these accusations.

A few examples of this stage are”

• “I’ve told you before that I hate that you choose to spend time with your friends instead of hanging out with me”
• “How can you work for that company? It seems really boring and you work too many hours”

Those who gaslight tend to be narcissists and love to try and control every situation especially when it’s a situation that it not his to try and control. They view themselves as more important than others around them.

Stage #2: Repeat

A gaslighter will keep repeating the twister, negative narrative that he has created to help him feel more powerful. By doing this, he believes he is in a better position to control the conversation and ultimately the relationship.

Stage #3: Escalation of Patterns when Challenged

When a gaslighter is called out on their bs lies, they escalate their accusations and double down or their attacks. They even go as far as to refute any substantial evidence doubting their claims which of course would cast doubt to all those around him. This would bring to light his gaslighting for everyone to see.

Additionally, an example of this would be if you witnessed your partner sexing with someone and he blatantly lies about it even going as far to say that you imagined it. They want to seem right all of the time and paint the picture for those around you that you’re always wrong.

Stage #4: Wear Down the Victim

When you’re being gaslighted over a significant period of time, once naturally starts to feel defeated. Thoughts such as self-doubt, fear, pessimism and more start to creep in for the victim. When one is plagued with these thoughts they then tend to question their identify, reality and perception.

Stage #5: Codependency Develops

Codependency, according to the Oxford Dictionary, is “excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner.”  The gaslighter does all that they can to make the victim or the gaslightee feel insecure sparking anxiety and depression. Only the gaslighter then has the power to allow the gaslightee to feel acceptance, respect, safety, security and all of the other things a dependent person needs to thrive. Unfortunately, the gasligther also has the ability to take them all away. Gaslighting instills and encourages fear, feelings of inadequacy, vulnerability and more.

#6: Provide the Victim with False Hope

More often that not, a gaslighter likes to primarily put their partner down, yet on occasion they treat them with kindness and even show signs of remorse. But, one should not be fooled by this because all they are doing is providing false hope. As a result of this false hope you might start thinking:

• “Maybe, he/she isn’t that bad!”
• “Maybe I’m too hard on her/him..”
• “Things seem to be looking up..”

This is simply just a manipulation tactic used simply to provide that false hope. He/she wants you to let your guard down before they continue with the next part of their gaslighting acts.

#7: Domination and Control

The ultimate objective of a gaslighter is to dominate, control and take full advantage of the victims(s). They maintain their lies, accusations and the gaslighter continues to keep the gaslightee in a constant state of insecurity, doubt and even fear. By exploiting their victim, the gaslighter is able to obtain more power and gain within the relationship.

How Can You Put an End to Gaslighting in Your Relationship?

There really isn’t a way to prevent gaslighting in relationships, but there are certainly some steps you can take to change the situation.

#1: Warning Signs

There are warning signs that one can recognize if they feel that they are caught in a relationship with a gaslighter.

• Being lied too, repeatedly.
• Constant criticism and name-calling
• He/She is trying to turn others against you
• Isolating you from friends and family
• Not being heard

#2: Don’t React

One way to cool down the situation is to no react. Try not to retaliate and avoid acting afraid or afraid. By you not feeding into it, you’re providing less gas to the fire.

#3: Trust your Gut

If your gut it telling you that something is wrong, trust it. Do not ignore it. You know yourself best. Don’t let the master manipulating gaslighter to make you feeling something that you’re not or try to persuade you to do something you don’t want to do.

You deserve better. 

#4: Ask for Help

If you are having trouble and feel that you need help to navigate the situation, confide in and truly lean into your support system. Trust me, your support system probably picked up on the warning signs before you did, so they want nothing more than to help in any way they’re able! There’s absolutely no shame in asking for help!

#5: Get out of the Relationship

Being in a relationship with a gaslighter is toxic and tends to get more toxic the longer it goes on. When you’re in love, it can be really hard to accept the fact that leaving the relationship might be the only option, but he/she won’t change.

It’s in your best interest to get out now before he does any more damage to your self-esteem.

Signs of Gaslighting

• They play the victim
• They deny what happened
• They twist the story
• They refuse to discuss important topics
• They deny responsibility for their actions
• They turning the conversation around to point out what you did wrong
• They shame you for bringing something up
• They show affection then pull it away without reason
• They try to be in control of everything
• They dismiss your feelings
• They insist that it didn’t happen that way
• You find yourself questioning your beliefs and opinions
• You find yourself editing every word before you speak it to make sure it isn’t misconstrued
• You leave most interactions feeling small or even ashamed
• You apologize without even knowing what you did wrong