If Moms Had Performance Reviews…

Let’s be honest… if moms had performance reviews, we’d either be getting promoted to CEO of Everything or put on a “performance improvement plan” by 9:07 a.m.

Because motherhood? It’s a full-time job… with overtime, no PTO, constant interruptions, and tiny humans who act like middle management but offer zero support.

So let’s imagine it for a second.

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Employee Name: Mom

Position: Everything
Department: All of Them
Years of Experience: Feels like 47

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Key Performance Areas

1. Time Management

Rating: Needs Improvement (but also… how??)

Successfully woke up early to get ahead of the day… only to be immediately derailed by:

• A missing shoe crisis
• A last-minute “I need cupcakes for school” announcement
• Someone crying because their toast was cut wrong

Manager Feedback:
“Try to better anticipate unpredictable chaos.”

2. Emotional Regulation

Rating: Exceeds Expectations (most days)

Maintained composure while:

• Breaking up sibling fights that started over literally nothing
• Comforting a child who melted down because their banana broke
• Pretending everything is fine when you’re running on 4 hours of sleep

Manager Feedback:
“Continue absorbing everyone else’s emotions while suppressing your own. Great job.”

3. Multitasking

Rating: Outstanding

• Cooked dinner
• Helped with homework
• Answered a work email
• Started laundry
• Mentally planned tomorrow

…all within a 7-minute window.

Manager Feedback:
“Have you considered doing more?”

4. Cleanliness & Organization

Rating: Inconsistent

The house was clean… once.
At 8:12 a.m.
It is now 8:19 a.m.

Manager Feedback:
“Maintain a spotless environment despite constant tornado-level activity.”

5. Conflict Resolution

Rating: Expert Level

Resolved disputes including:

• “He looked at me.”
• “She’s breathing my air.”
• “He got more cereal than me.”

Manager Feedback:
“Continue negotiating peace treaties with irrational clients.”

6. Self-Care

Rating: Needs Immediate Attention

• Coffee reheated 3 times ✔
• Shower? TBD
• Ate a full meal? Questionable

Manager Feedback:
“Please prioritize self-care… but also don’t let anything else slip.”

Peer Feedback (Your Kids)

• “She’s nice but sometimes says no.”
• “Makes good snacks.”
• “Yells when we don’t listen (which we don’t).”
• “10/10 would recommend but also I want dad.”

Overall Performance Summary

You showed up.
You kept everyone alive.
You loved hard, even on the hard days.

And somehow… you’re expected to do it all again tomorrow.

Final Notes from Management

Here’s the truth no one puts in the official review:

You’re doing better than you think.

Even on the days where:

• You lost your patience
• The house is a mess
• Dinner was cereal
• And you’re counting down to bedtime

You’re still showing up in a role that doesn’t come with training, breaks, or clear expectations.

Final Rating:

Irreplaceable. Underpaid. Overworked. Deeply loved.

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If moms really had performance reviews…
they’d also deserve bonuses, raises, and at least one uninterrupted bathroom break a day.