Things to not say OR ask a Pregnant Woman

Being that I am expecting my first child with my husband this Spring, I have been actively taking notes of the things that individuals have been asking me OR saying to me throughout my pregnancy. Some of it is comical and some of it is outrageous, but I have compiled a short list of things to not say OR ask a pregnant woman. I’ve heard them already, but maybe after reading the list I have, I’ll save some clueless individual the humiliation of potentially pissing off a pregnant woman.

Was Your Pregnancy Planned? Does it matter? More importantly, is that any of your business? That woman is telling you that she is pregnant because she is excited. Don’t be an ass and ruin the happy moment with your ignorance.
Was it Natural? Again, I don’t think this is anyone’s business either. Some couples have no issues conceiving, while others struggle with infertility. You’re missing the point if you think asking whether or not the pregnancy was natural is relevant to the situation.
You look HUGE. Almost like you’re going to EXPLODE! Really? Why would you EVER tell a pregnant woman that 1) she looks huge, and 2) that she looks as though she is about to explode. What’s wrong with you? Pregnant woman already may be struggling with their image during their pregnancy, why be that ass who points it out to her like she hasn’t already thinking the same thoughts? Don’t be that guy!
Are you sure there aren’t Twins in there? In my opinion, this is a nice way of saying, “You look HUGE!” Don’t be rude. Do not ask ANY pregnant woman that question. Just assume it’s one, or better yet..don’t even ask if they’re expecting. Better safe than sorry..meaning pure embarrassment on your end if that woman is not pregnant.
Can I touch your belly? Unless you have a very personal relationship with that pregnant woman…the answer is HELL No. That question can create some pretty awkward situations. I highly doubt you want to put yourself in that situation.
Have you picked a Name? Maybe, maybe not. Why does it matter? Some women know the name for their bundle of joy early on during the pregnancy, while others don’t. Some women also choose not to share the name until the baby’s arrival. Don’t make that mom-to-be seem rude when she refuses to answer the question. You probably just shouldn’t ask.
Ohhhh, I know someone with that name, they___________________. Just stop. If you’re going to say something dumb like, “I knew a Tyler and he got in trouble for drunk driving then fled from the police. He has been in and out of jail ever since High School.” COOL. Don’t be an ass and ruin the name that mother had picked out for her child. That’s just rude. Rather than be rude, just comment by saying, “That’s a nice name” then SHUT UP. Silence is golden.
Enjoy yourself now because… Stop. Expectant parents already know how drastic their lives are about to change. Hearing that they’ll never get alone time or that they have to deal with children until the child turns 18 (or longer) is something they probably discussed BEFORE they conceived. Don’t be shallow.
You probably shouldn’t be eating/drinking that. Shut up. Do not say another word. Expectant mothers usually think too much about the things they put into their body to the extent that it can be stressful. Don’t contribute to it. Let them eat and drink what they want without providing commentary from the peanut gallery.
Go ahead and eat whatever you want; you are eating for two. Don’t encourage them to eat tons of food. Pregnant woman generally only have to eat another 300-500 calories a day (depending on doctor recommendations and lifestyle) to make up for the calories the baby is taking from the mother. Don’t enable them to gain a ton of excess weight.
Your baby is pretty much worthless until they’re a year old. Geee, thanks. Pretty sure most expectant mothers are ok with their “worthless” baby during all the stages of parenthood EVEN the first year. If you’re a guy and you’re saying this, you’re an ass and very much misinformed.
I NEVER experienced morning sickness. If this comes up during a conversation with a pregnant woman who DID experience morning sickness, you’re an ass. Some woman experience morning sickness throughout their entire pregnancy, some don’t experience it at all. I can personally say, I experienced morning sickness up until 16 weeks. It was terrible. Don’t rub in your “perfect’ pregnancy with someone who struggled with morning sickness. That’s just not cool.
I tore from end to end OR they had to cut me open more. That’s great, thanks for sharing that lovely HORROR story. Why would you try to create more anxieties for a pregnant woman…ESPECIALLY if it’s a first time mom. Keep those stories to yourself unless you are asked to share your experience in this area. If they don’t ask, assume they don’t want to hear about it, ok?
Get an Epidural. Don’t tell them what to do. Again, if they ask your advice on this issue, then you may talk about it, but until then..keep your mouth shut about what a pregnant woman should and shouldn’t do. I’m sure they did their research already.
You’re probably going to poop or pee yourself when you’re pushing… again, thanks for sharing another horror story. That is another anxiety that expectant mother can add to their anxiety list. Just keep that to yourself. If it happens, it happens, but don’t bring it up.
Are you still with the Father? Punch yourself in the face. Seriously, that is none of your business. You don’t know that pregnant woman’s situation NOR is it any of your business. Plain and simple.
Are you going to keep it? Go jump off a bridge. Are you kidding me right now? Never ever ask that question. No other comment is needed on this statement.
How much weight have you gained? Don’t ask a pregnant woman this question. They certainly don’t want to know the amount of weight they have gained NOR do they have any desire in sharing this information with you.
You’re going to get TERRIBLE stretch marks! Again, this is another anxiety that most pregnant women encounter during their pregnancy. Unfortunately some women will indeed obtain stretch marks during their pregnancy, some women do not. Don’t make that mother worry about getting these marks, because they may go to extreme measures to NOT get them.
Have you been to the gym lately? Again, this is another nice way of saying, “You’re huge”. Don’t be that guy, seriously, don’t.
Are you ready to be a parent? I think I can answer this question for most expectant parents and say, “No” I don’t think it is possible to fully prepare oneself to be a parent. There are tons of unknowns associated with being a parent. Isn’t that life? If anyone says that they are ready to be a parents, they’re lying.
DO NOT TALK ABOUT INFANT LOSS. Unfortunately, infant loss happens to expectant parents, but for the love of GOD, do not bring up any stories about a parent losing a child in front of that expectant parent. That is probably the worse thing you could do to expectant parents. They’re already dealing with other anxieties pertaining to their pregnancy, and by bringing up a horrible topic like that, it can turn their pregnancy into a stressful and worrisome event rather than the happy one it should be. Also, most parents have probably already thought about that possibility. Don’t remind them.