Why I’m Speaking Out About My Struggle with Infertility

I’m the 1/8. One in eight individuals and couples experience infertility.

Over the last few years I have become more candid about my infertility struggle. My husband and I struggled with infertility for over two years before we conceived our first child.

Trying for our second child is turning out to be just as challenging. Just as heart-breaking, frustrating, discouraging and trying as the last time. IF not more challenging.

We’re the lucky ones. Kind of.

I say that only because there are hundreds and thousands of other couples experiencing infertility. Some wait years or decades before finally being to conceive, while others aren’t able to conceive naturally.

My husband and I both are the cause of our infertility. We are both at fault, which makes it more bearable.

That’s a joke. It’s never really bearable. Like ever.

Initially our doctors told us I was to blame. For months, I went through grueling and painful treatments when suddenly a test came back on my husband that also pin-pointed some issues with him.

I cried. I bawled my fucking eyes out.

My heart-broke knowing that we now both bore this burden of infertility.

That’s what it is.

A Burden.

And I’ll be the first to admit that our infertility battle has tested our relationship, it’s tested our marriage and it’s tested each other on an individual level.

Infertility is a nasty nasty thing, and it’s not for the light-hearted.

Fortunately- we aren’t alone in our journey.

We have some friends who struggled with infertility before they were successful in conceiving. We kind of latched onto them. We asked them questions, leaned on them for support and held onto hope because of them.

There were times that we resented others who had no issues conceiving.

I still do. I try not to be resentful, but it’s a challenge. Every single day, it’s a challenge.

I often pray about it. Cry about it. Scream about it.

And pray some more.

I have sought Jesus out more as of late. I find myself asking him WHY? Why US? I find myself getting angry.

Angry.

Why am I angry at Him? He didn’t do it..but he isn’t helping (I hear myself whispering). Then there are times that I’m mad at myself.

I know I shouldn’t think like that. I try not too. Lately, I’ve sought Him out even more for added support. I’ve sought Him for guidance. I’ve asked for Him to clothe me in strength, understanding and love especially during that challenging time each month.

I’ve asked Him to look over my husband. I pray for him every night.

My husband puts up a wall.

A really big wall.

Sometimes I think he is ashamed. Ashamed and embarrassed that he has fertility issues. Ashamed to admit it. Ashamed to own it. Ashamed of me and my contribution to our battle. Ashamed to let anyone know of his battle. OUR battle.

I get it. I do. And it honestly makes me so sad.

Infertility is a disease. Some people judge. Some people act like it’s no big deal. Then there are those that say stupid shit about infertility to those experiencing it.

Stupid Shit.

“Just relax…then it’ll happen..”

“It’ll happen when you least expect it..”

“As soon as you stop ‘trying’ it’ll happen..”

Bullshit.

Unless you’re experiencing infertility, you don’t get it. You can’t get it.

The advice I offer up to those who have friends or family members experiencing infertility is to keep your damn mouth shut.

Just listen. Be supportive. Be understanding.

Don’t offer up advice.

None.

I’m not speaking for all those who have experienced infertility. Some may seek advice.

I’m not one of those people.

I just want people to be educated on infertility. I want people to understand infertility is a disease . I want people to understand how painful it is and how it affects those that are experiencing it.

To all those individuals or couples experiencing infertility, I want you to know that you’re not alone.

You’re not alone.

I’m sorry that you’re going through this unfortunate battle. I’m sorry that people are going to say things to you that upset or piss you off.

Keep your Faith. Don’t push that aside.

Pull it closer to you.

Pray.

I pray for all those who are experiencing infertility or have in the past.

You are so strong. So loved. So inspiring.

The reason I am candid and open about my infertility battle is because I was that individual who didn’t speak of it. I was ashamed. I was embarrassed. I acted like everything was fine, but then behind closed doors I was broken. I was defeated.

I put on a smile and went about my day as if it didn’t cause me great pain.I acted as though it didn’t break my heart or keep me up at night.

It did. It still does. All the time.

All the damn time.

I’m not here to tell you that it’s going to get easier. I’m not going to sit here and tell you to be patient and not be upset about the journey you’re on.

You’re allowed to be upset about. It won’t get easier.

It’s going to be hard. It’s going to be really fucking hard. It’s going to test you. It’s going to test your marriage. Challenge it. Challenge you. It’s going to make you cry, scream and want to hit something.

What I will say..what I will always say to those experiencing infertility.. is that when it happens..when you become a parent (whether through fertility treatment, adoption, or other..) you’ll be so much more appreciative of this shitty journey you had to embark on.

As a mom to an almost 2 year old now, I have a different appreciation of parenthood, as does my husband. Our son is our miracle. He both broke us and made us who we are today. We are stronger because of him. Our marriage is stronger because of him. We have a a greater appreciation for life because of him.

We are who we are because of him.

Hold onto your Faith. Pray. Lean on your partner. Don’t let it break you. Don’t let it define you.

Choose to have a voice. That’s why I’m choosing to speak out about my infertility battle. I have a voice. I’ll speak for those that won’t.

I want to help others. I want to make people aware of infertility. I want to inspire, encourage and pray with you and for you.

#infertilityawareness