10 Things I’ve Learned in Ten Years of Marriage
3 houses. 3 dogs (2 in Heaven, 1 on Earth) 1 super stealthy and annoying cat. Tons of cars. 5 years of fertility treatment. 3 kiddos (2 here on Earth, 1 in Heaven). Multiple career changes. Several medical diagnosis and surgeries. Tons of adventures. Lots of laughter and tears. Countless failures and mistakes, yet the equivalent and more in successes and victories. All of which has lead us to this point….10 years. 120 Months. 522 Weeks. 3,562 Days. 87,000 Hours of marriage.
In honor of our tenth wedding anniversary, here are 10 lessons I’ve learned in 10 years of marriage.
This week, on May 20th, Jason and I are celebrating our tenth wedding anniversary. And while we’re by no means marriage experts, we have been through and learned a lot of things over the past decade together. We have been through hell and back, yet we fight year after year to make our marriage work. Here are 10 lessons I’ve learned in 10 years of marriage.
Always say “I love you” Back
I know that this can be tough, especially after a disagreement, but it hurts your spouse more if you don’t say it back regardless of the situation. Even if you are angry, always say “I love you” back because I’m a firm believer in the fact that life is short, and we never know when our time is up. I’d hate to purposely not say “I love you” back only to never be able to say it again to the person I love most. The guilt isn’t worth it. You know you still love the, even after a disagreement, so just say it back.
There Will Be Seasons of Not Feeling “In Love”
Now, before you go rolling those eyes, hear me out. There will be seasons of your marriage when you don’t feel “in love”. If you’re expecting something else, then you’re setting yourself up for disappointment. This season is normal, and it shouldn’t be too concerning, rather when faced with a season like this, it’s important to show love. Show love that is shown through action, not emotion. Life gets busy. Arguments happen. This season will occur, but it’s alright. Don’t get discouraged.
Be Intentional about Intimacy
There are things you can do as a couple to keep the spark alive, but it takes a lot of intentionality. You must pursue and continue to date your spouse. It’s difficult to find time or even have the energy to be intimate, but the honest truth is that you must make time for it. Make time for you and your spouse. As a mother of two young children, I’ll be the first to admit that this has been a struggle due to time and energy. But, I know that if I want my marriage to work, we have to make time and be intentional about ensuring we make time for each other.
Marriage is Full of Ups and Downs
Life is going to throw curveballs your way. To expect that your marriage won’t be subject to something hard would be irresponsible to even consider. As I reflect on the past ten years of marriage, I think of all the hard things. We have experienced the loss of a parent and a grandparent. We struggled with having children, ultimately going through five years of fertility treatment resulting in two successful pregnancies’ (and two adorable boys) and a miscarriage. We had several family members diagnosed with cancer, and I personally overcame breast cancer. Our youngest was diagnosed deaf, and our oldest was diagnosed ADHD. We have fought hard for our marriage, and we continue to fight daily. Marriage is not easy, and for a marriage to work, it must be worked at each and every day. Expect ups and downs. They’ll make your marriage stronger, but that will only happen if you expect them, talk about them, work as a team to overcome them and love throughout it all.
Sometimes, you Will Go to Bed Angry
I grew up hearing that “you should never go to bed angry”, as a piece of advice. Well, I’m here to say that sometimes you will go to bed angry, and that’s okay. You might not be furious when you go to bed, but feelings will sometimes still be hurt. Oftentimes, you’ll wake up to find that the anger has dissipated and you’re able to clearly see and comprehend whatever disagreement happened the night before. This can lead to a quicker apology for both parties.
Never Stop Dating Your Spouse
One thing we have struggled with over the past 10 years is this idea of dating your spouse. As time passes and kids are added, more and more activities come into the picture. This, of course, means that there is less time for you and your spouse. If there is one thing you take away from this article, it’s to never ever stop dating your spouse. Hire a babysitter, take a trip, do something fun together without your kids. Sometimes it can be hard to get out of the house (hello COVID Pandemic!), so plan a fun movie night at home. Snag one of those date boxes or plan to cook an elaborate meal together once the kids are in bed. Always, make the time. Don’t let excuses take away time from your spouse.
Keep Your Girl/Guy Time
I cannot emphasize this enough. Always encourage your spouse to spend some time with their pals away from you. It’s important to do things together, don’t get me wrong, but it’s also important to keep up with your own interests and friends. Support each other in having their girl/guy time. It’s necessary and so healthy for your marriage.
Be Active Together
Find something that will keep you active together. Whether it’s evening walks, gym dates or weekend hikes with the family, do something that gets the adrenaline running. If you’re working out with just your spouse, it allows you time to reconnect with your spouse after a hectic day or week. You’re able to catch up with each other without having to talk over your children.
Communication truly is Key
It’s true when others say “communication is key”. In every relationship, both parties should be able to express themselves, but it’s equally important for both parties to actively listen. Really listen. Oftentimes you might find yourself pretending to listen, but you’re not actively listening. It’s so important to be present when conversations are being had because it minimizes confusion, disrespect and encourages your spouse that what they’re saying matters. I would be upset if my spouse didn’t care what I had to say, so I try to hear them out at all times, even if I don’t necessarily agree with it. The reality is, they will do the same. You both deserve that sort of communication and respect from each other.
Don’t Gossip About one Another
This one I am constantly working on. If I find that I’m unable to talk through issues with my spouse, I try to talk to someone else about them which in turn leaks personal items that should remain between my spouse and myself. When I’m mad, I’m not thinking much about how that would make my spouse feel, so instead of expressing your frustration out with your co-worker, friend or family member, try to truly talk it through with your spouse. The worst thing you can do is express frustrations about your spouse to someone close, only to have that person to now express some animosity towards your spouse. That person isn’t getting the entire picture, and you just unintentionally created an unrealistic image of your spouse. If possible, keep your relationship private. Seek out a counselor if need be. By having and confiding in a counselor, you will have a neutral and unbiased individual who is able to listen to you both.
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Again, I won’t sit here and try to convince myself or anyone that I’m a marriage expert. What I will say is that marriage isn’t easy. I’d be lying if I said that there were times I questioned if we really would make it forever, and if you actively choose to work through what you go through it’ll be worth it. I’ll also note that just because those thoughts may have crossed your mind, it doesn’t mean that you’re not alone or even a bad person for having those thoughts. In the end, J and I have been able to grow through what we have went through. Our life together is far, far from perfect, but it’s perfect for us, disagreements and all. The things that we have learned in these past 10 years of marriage has helped us grow together, mature and become better versions of ourselves.
