How to help your Child Cope with the Death of a Beloved Pet

This past week, we lost our second beloved dog in a year and a half.  Reagan, our then 12 year old was suffering from what our vet assumed was Cancer, so we made the decision to end her misery.  We never left her side as she passed away. Carter, our 13.5 year old pup passed away very unexpectedly at our home due to what we, as well as our Vet, believed to be congestive heart failure. It was awful to see him go through that partially due to how quickly it affected him, but also because it was so unexpected. Only hours earlier he was trying to join me on my nightly run. We had no idea he was sick or that we would lose him in only a few short hours. Once he started acting differently, my husband spent the entire night tending to him and letting our pup know he wasn’t alone and that he was loved.

With Carter passing away at home, both of my children witnessed his untimely death. My six year old understands what happened, but my almost three year old just keeps asking where he is. It’s been tough to say the least since we didn’t have any warning of his passing, we didn’t prepare well for how to have a conversation surrounding his death with our children.

At the time our other dog passed away, our youngest was so young and he doesn’t even remember her. My oldest does remember her and often reminiscences about her.  It’s been difficult seeing my children so hurt, so I’m naturally sad for them. I’m sad we have now lost both of our dogs with whom my husband and I have had the entirely of our relationship. They were our first babies, and now they are both gone. The loss of both of them in a short time frame has been devastating for our family. As our children process their grief and loss, I’m trying my best to answer their questions to the best of my ability.

All that said, here are 9 tips you can use today to help your child cope with their feelings and their grief:

Be honest and direct.

Since my boys witnessed our precious Carter pass away at home, they know that he is dead, but if your child wasn’t there to witness it and doesn’t know that their pet has passed, you must tell them directly and honestly what happened. Our youngest assumed he was just sleeping, since he passed away in his bedroom, but we’ve had to redirect the conversation and tell him that Carter died. He is gone, and he went to join Reagan in doggy Heaven. Both of them will not be coming home. Oftentimes, it’s easy for us to say that our pet just went to sleep, but by saying this, we can actually create a fear of falling asleep within our children. They assume that if they fall asleep, they might not wake up. Avoid creating that fear by being honest and direct with your conversation.

Answer all of their questions.

If your child asks questions, even the tough ones, answer them. If you find yourself discussing death or heaven or sickness, so be it, but having the direct and honest conversations will only benefit them through the grieving process. Young children don’t need all of the details, only the basics. As your children get older, it’s fine to go into more detail. With my six year old, we often find ourselves having mature conversations. He’s very intuitive and naturally wants to know more about everything. You know your child and you know what they can handle. Just be sensitive to their emotions.

Encourage conversations about their pet.

By encouraging your child to talk about their pet, it can actually help them grieve. They have to experience and talk about it to really feel their feelings and to process them in a healthy way. Don’t push your child too much to talk about the loss, but be sympathetic and available when they’re ready too.

Frame a photo of their pet.

Hopefully you have a nice photo of your pet that you can frame and display within the home. Let your children pick out a photo they’d like to have framed so they can put it in their room if they want. We have photos of both our dogs in frames within our home. We also have their ashes and a paw print to help us remember them. Our kids know what they are and every now and then when they see it, they recall a memory of their precious pups.

When your child talks, validate what they’re feeling.

By using phrases like, “This must be hard for you,” or in our case, “That must have been really hard for you to witness your doggie pass away,” we’re  showing our children that we are listening and that we care about their emotions however big or small they are. They then feel supported and heard.

Don’t downplay their feelings.

Make sure you don’t minimize or downplay their feelings by saying things like, “Don’t be sad. Remember all the memories we had?” or “But, they lived such a long life” or “They’re no longer in pain”. Sure, those might all be valid statements, but when we downplay their feelings, we’re basically telling our children that it’s not OK to be sad. It’s 100% OK to be sad, so support them and let them feel all of the feelings regardless of their size.

Allow them to say goodbye.

My husband and I questioned whether to wake our children to say goodbye for multiple reasons.  It was very early in the morning and we worried that by allowing them to say goodbye and witness their dog pass way before their eyes, that it’d be harder for them to grieve. Would they have nightmares? Would they be scared?  But, I’m so glad we allowed them to say goodbye. There were lost of tears, from our six year old, but he was so thankful to be able to hug Carter and say goodbye to him on his terms. With Reagan, he was allowed to say goodbye as well except we didn’t bring him with us to the Vet.  This may be hard for some children to do, but at least give them the opportunity to say goodbye. They’ll tell you if they can handle it.

Have a celebration of life.

After we lost Carter, I wanted to celebrate him. I went a bought a huge chocolate brownie cake, and after dinner, we enjoyed some cake in his memory. We talked about all the things related to him: the good, the bad and the ugly. The boys liked doing this and they loved talking about Carter. We did something similar with our other pet as well. We also showed them their paw prints and ashes when we were able to bring them following their deaths.

Be a good example.

Let your children see you grieve. My husband and I had no issues with this since we genuinely were both upset at the passing of our dogs. Let your children know that it’s OK to be upset. Let them know that it’s OK to cry. Let them know that it’s OK to be sad and angry that their pet(s) are no longer with us. It’s so incredibly beneficial for them to see you both experience your grieve and deal with your emotions in a positive, healthy way. Your children will follow suit.

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Saying goodbye to a beloved pet sucks, plain and simple, yet there are some things we can do as parents to help our children grieve and cope with the loss they’re sure to feel.  Allow your children to grieve and be supportive while ensuring that you’re doing some of the things I mentioned above. These things will go a long way to help your children as well as yourself deal with the loss of your pet(s).

In love memory of Carter & Reagan <3