Twice Before 40: The Exhausting, Terrifying, and Unbelievable Reality of Facing Breast Cancer Again

I never thought I’d be here again.

The first time, I did everything right—or at least, everything the doctors told me to do. Genetic testing? Done. A double mastectomy? Done. Hysterectomy? Done. Every precaution, every hard decision, every sacrifice—I made them all to ensure I wouldn’t be back in this chair, in this sterile room, in this cruel, too-familiar reality.

And yet, here I am. Facing breast cancer. Again.

A Life of Appointments and Uncertainty

When people think about cancer, they often think about the big things—the chemo, the hair loss, the fight. But what they don’t see is the endless cycle of appointments, the constant invasion of your body, the emotional and physical exhaustion that no amount of sleep can fix.

• The PET Scans & MRIs – Lying completely still in a cold, humming machine while wondering if this will be the scan that changes everything. Will they find more? Will it be worse than they thought? The machine clicks, beeps, and whirs, but all I hear is my own heartbeat pounding in my ears.
• The Biopsies & Marker Placements – Needles. So many needles. Being awake while someone pushes a thick needle into my breast, my lymph nodes, my body, over and over again. The pressure, the pain, the deep ache that lingers long after I leave the hospital. The marker placement to ensure they “know where to go” if surgery is needed. Spoiler: It’s always needed.
• Port Placement Surgery – This one is new to me this time around. A small device implanted under my skin to make chemotherapy easier, to save my veins from the damage of treatment. Another scar. Another reminder. Another foreign object inside me.
• Doctor’s Appointments & Blood Draws – I have lost track of how many times I’ve been poked and prodded, how many times I’ve had to hear the phrase, “We need to run a few more tests.” I know where the cancer is. I know what tumor markers are. I know too much about things I never wanted to understand.

The Exhaustion That Never Ends

Cancer fatigue is different. It’s not just being tired. It’s a deep, bone-crushing exhaustion that sleep doesn’t fix. It’s mental, emotional, and physical depletion all wrapped into one. It’s needing to be a parent, a partner, a friend, an employee—but feeling like a shell of the person you used to be.

It’s the appointments stacked on top of each other. It’s the waiting—for test results, for treatment plans, for answers that never feel satisfying. It’s the fear that creeps in when the house is quiet and my mind starts spiraling.

And the emotional rollercoaster? It’s relentless.

• Anger – Because I did everything right. And it still came back.
• Fear – Because this time it’s worse.
• Guilt – Because my family has to go through this, too.
• Sadness – Because I thought I was past this part of my life.
• Determination – Because I have no choice but to keep going and fight again.

The Reality of Cancer at a Young Age

Cancer at any age is brutal, but facing it twice before 40 is something I wouldn’t wish on anyone. It’s watching your friends plan vacations and future goals while you’re scheduling chemo sessions and wondering if you’ll have the energy to get out of bed tomorrow. It’s feeling like your body has betrayed you. It’s the hard conversations with your kids, the moments where you have to be strong even when you feel anything but.

I don’t have an inspirational ending to this post. I don’t have all the answers. I don’t even know what the next few months will look like. But I do know that I will fight. Again. And I will hold onto hope—because that’s all I can do.

If you’re reading this and facing something similar, just know: You are not alone. And even on the darkest days, there is still light.