As parents, you want to do everything you can to protect your children. But what if something happens outside of your control? What if your child is born sick? What if after they get better, something else happens? What if you’re told that your six week old who was in NICU fighting through a pneumonia and another infection only weeks prior, was nearly deaf? It’s enough to make you literally sick to your stomach. You question God. You get angry. You’re devastated and heartbroken for your child. You question literally everything. Yet, as a parent, all of that questioning, all of the tears, the anger and devastation cannot bring your little ones hearing back.
This is my real life nightmare. My son, Beckett, was in NICU for ten days following his battle with pneumonia and an unidentified infection following his birth. At one point he was on 95% oxygen, was eating through a feeding tube, in an incubator and hooked up to multiple wires including an Iv. Once he was released, his father and I thought he was on the mend. We thought this little fighter of ours would now be able to relax and not fight as hard. When we left the hospital, his hearing was in question, but the doctors told us for a little boy who had been so sick and still had fluid in his ears, that this was normal. They reassured us that they thought he’d be just fine.
But he wasn’t. As a mother you start picking up on little warning signs. My son would jump sometimes but not when he really should have jumped. He wasn’t always responding to my voice, and the only way to soothe and calm him was by touch. The day he turned six weeks, we had an appointment with a hearing specialist who confirmed our worst fears. Our son was nearly deaf. On a level from normal to profound, he was severe to profound hearing loss. He could only hear really loud noises. My heart broke instantly. Hearing this was seriously the most devastating news I’ve ever received. Our little boy hadn’t been able to hear us for 6 weeks. He wouldn’t be able to without the use of hearing aids. I was so incredibly heartbroken for him. My husband didn’t take the news well either and for the majority of the day, we cried. We had this overwhelming sense of sorrow for our son, and with little answers, we didn’t know where to go from there.
For a couple who has gone through so much in the 9.5 years of being together, this was certainly one of the hardest. From the get go our relationship had been tested. There were some who didn’t support our relationship, we had the death of a parent, a devastating diagnosis of another parent, we were diagnosed with infertility and it took us 5 years, thousands of dollars, heartache, tears and a miscarriage to get pregnant with our two sons. Then, to top it off, our rainbow baby was born sick and now has severe hearing loss. How much can a couple take? How long until one, or both of them, reaches their breaking point?
I’m damn near there. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason but I’m so exhausted from all that our family has gone through. I’m so incredibly angry, and I’d be lying if I wasn’t slightly angry at God. Although I know he doesn’t cause such heartache, I still can’t help but question why it’s all happening to us. This isn’t a post to receive pity, but merely a way to express my heartache. I can’t help but think that, as a mother, I somehow was part of this happening to him. We don’t know what happened for sure, but possible explanations would include his illness and the medications he was on while in NICU. Until we meet with a specialist, it’s all speculation. We’re truly in the dark until Beckett is examined more closely, and that’s a horrible feeling.
How much can one little boy go through so early on in his life? How, as parents, can we not be angry? How can we overcome the immense amount of sadness and guilt we have? How much can only family endure?
I might not have all the answers to these questions, but I know that I will fight for the absolute best treatment for our son. God will equip Beckett’s father, brother and myself with the best tools to help give him a normal life. And our prayers will transform and help restore our faith and our broken hearts.
Beckett is such a blessing to us. We love him more than words can adequately relay. We’ll push through this latest season, and we will preserve.